I lost my job last week. Unemployment is just not working for me.
Now that the cold weather is coming on, I’ve decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
I can’t stand those cutesy Russian dolls…. They’re so full of themselves.
Whiteboards. Simply remarkable.
Have you tried the new whisky diet? It’s amazing. I tried it and lost four days immediately.
Yes, I know I have kleptomania. I keep it under control. When it gets too bad, I take something for it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.
There’s no I in denial.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”