I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
What do we want?
Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them?
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, “Thanks, Dud!”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
I broke my arm recently, and as the doctor was setting the cast, I asked anxiously, “When it heals, will I be able to play the piano?”
“Yes, of course,” she replied.
“Oh that’s great news,” I said. “I never could before.”
Two clowns were eating a cannibal. One turned to the other and said, “I think we got this joke wrong.”
Next time you see someone doing a crossword, lean over, and whisper to them, “Seven up is lemonade.”
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I work in a library and this chap came up to me and asked, “Do you have a bookmark?”
“Of course,” I replied, indicating the packed shelves, “We have thousands. By the way, my name’s Dave.”
I went into a bar and asked for a bag of helicopter chips. The bartender looked at me scornfully, “Sorry, mate, we only do plain.”
Join me on the whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.