Joke

Sunday morning coming down and letting go

After service this morning we lingered, we three:
The Reverend Golightly, my dear wife, and me.
The sun streamed in as we stood by the door,
The stained glass tinting the old wooden floor.
I relaxed for a second, and then with a sigh
My breakfast beans blew quietly by.

I thought I’d escaped, and I would have had if
It hadn’t been quite so much of a whiff.
My wife ceased her chatting, sniffed, and said, “Pooh!”
Then gazed at me sternly, “Was that awful smell you?”

She gave me a Look, and my heart gave a lurch;
What, admit before God that I’d farted in church?
“Of course not, my dear,” I said without thinking,
Standing my ground as they both stood there blinking.
A moment of hush, and the reverend mused,
“Oh! It must have been me then. Please do excuse!”

The girl that I marry

One evening, many years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently, they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

If it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

My dad says they don’t work anyway

It was a slow Tuesday afternoon at the pharmacy. The lady behind the counter hadn’t had a customer for an hour; she was beginning to drowse.

A teenaged boy came in, all lanky awkwardness and a shock of black hair that needed a good combing. He looked around, came up to the counter, stuttered out his request, looking like he’d prefer to be pretty much anywhere else in the world just now.

She looked at him, turning pink as he stood there, shifting from one foot to another, as if he were planning to bolt out the door. “A pack of condoms? Certainly!”

Put the pack down on the counter, went to ring up the sale, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

“You, um, know how these work? Here, let me show you.”

She opened the package up, got out a condom, and slowly unrolled it onto her thumb, gently smoothing down the latex, and looking up. Dam’, but he was cute with his freckles and bright eyes. And cheeks turning redder by the second.

She leaned forward. Mid thirties, but she still had it, she thought. His gaze dropped down her top, eyes widening.

“They do anything for you?” she asked. He nodded, holding his breath.

“Look, come into the back room. Bring that package with you.”

He followed her in, like a puppy, she thought, as she cleared the table and leaned slowly back.

“We don’t have much time,” she said, taking his hands and placing them just so.

It didn’t take long, but well, it was good. Enthusiasm made up for lack of experience. She caressed that tousled hair, and stroked his cheek. A thought came to her.

“You put the condom on, yeah?”

Wordlessly, he nodded, holding up his thumb to show her.