The human juke box

Dad: Challenge me. I’ve been committing to memory every song that contains a person’s name. Give me any name and I’ll tell you a song that has that person’s name in it.

Sue: Um, Sue?

Dad: A Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash

Sam: Pick me!

Dad: Telegram Sam by T Rex

Alfonso: What about my name, smarty-pants?

Dad: “Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Alfonso…”


Sunday morning coming down and letting go

After service this morning we lingered, we three:
The Reverend Golightly, my dear wife, and me.
The sun streamed in as we stood by the door,
The stained glass tinting the old wooden floor.
I relaxed for a second, and then with a sigh
My breakfast beans blew quietly by.

I thought I’d escaped, and I would have had if
It hadn’t been quite so much of a whiff.
My wife ceased her chatting, sniffed, and said, “Pooh!”
Then gazed at me sternly, “Was that awful smell you?”

She gave me a Look, and my heart gave a lurch;
What, admit before God that I’d farted in church?
“Of course not, my dear,” I said without thinking,
Standing my ground as they both stood there blinking.
A moment of hush, and the reverend mused,
“Oh! It must have been me then. Please do excuse!”

The girl that I marry

One evening, many years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently, they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

If it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?