I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.
I wrote a drama about puns.
Really, it was just a play on words.
It had the title “Play Right”.
The critics called it “Theatre Snorts”.
Endless Love: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
I went through my cupboards today and found I had dozens of dead batteries.
So I’m giving them away, free of charge.
Did you hear about the unfortunate chap involved in a terrible accident with a sawmill? His whole left side was cut off.
But it’s okay. He’s all right now.
I wasn’t intending to get a brain transplant.
But then I changed my mind.
Most babies, my mum told me, are delivered by stork.
But, my dad added, the heavier ones need a crane.
I can’t stop snorting washing powder, then running around the house thinking I’m a washing machine, spinning around until I pass out. Then I wake up and do it all over again.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his potions pot and his best mate.
They’re both cauldron.