My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I work in a library and this chap came up to me and asked, “Do you have a bookmark?”
“Of course,” I replied, indicating the packed shelves, “We have thousands. By the way, my name’s Dave.”
I went into a bar and asked for a bag of helicopter chips. The bartender looked at me scornfully, “Sorry, mate, we only do plain.”
Join me on the whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Little-known fact. Chicken soup can be bought in bulk at wholesale prices from the stock market.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a 50mm plank with my cast.
I’ve been thinking about what I would like people to say about me at my funeral and finally decided it would be, “Hey look, he’s still breathing!”
Sad news out of Scotland.
Apparently, they are not making shortbread any longer.
“These new orthodox shoes are great!” I told my wife.
“That’s ‘orthopaedic’, you great lummox,” she replied.
“Ah, thanks. I stand corrected.”