I went out to buy a pair of camouflage trousers. But I couldn’t find any.
My mother is a hospital nurse, my father is a professional magician – he does stuff like pulling rabbits out of hats and sawing people in half. I have several siblings: three half-brothers and a half-sister.
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?
Chicken Caesar salad.
A dairy farmer looked at his cattle in the field and counted 196. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A policeman called into the base on his radio, “I’ve got a firearm death, Sarge. A little old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she’d just mopped.”
“Geez. Ah, okay. I’ll arrange for the body to be collected. Bring her in, and we’ll get a statement.”
“Right. Might take some time.”
“The floor’s still wet.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks if the horse is an alcoholic, considering it’s just staggered out of the bar across the street. The horse puts its head on one side, considers and says, “I don’t think I am.”
Poof! The horse disappears.
This is the point where all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with Déscartes famous proposition cogito ergo sum, meaning “I think, therefore I am.”
But if I were to explain that beforehand, I would be putting Déscartes before the horse.
A book just fell onto my head!
But I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender gasps and says, “How did you do that?”
In the glory days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and calling for a brace of snorts in the mess, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet the Adjutant, Major Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive hunchbacked, bowlegged man less than a metre tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell the new colonel about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Adj, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor his wife looked like the back end of a baboon.”
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will never rest until I have tracked you down.
You have my Word.