I’m trying to stop eating Christmas leftovers. So yummy! So hard to go cold turkey.
I’m starting a new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can’t wait!
I went to the Weight Watchers website, and they told me to disable cookies.
I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Doctor, Doctor! I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
–Oh dear. Your next poop could spell disaster.
Doctor, doctor! I’ve got five legs!
Good heavens! How do your trousers fit?
Like a glove.
I came home late one night and was totally delighted to find that someone had stolen all my lamps.
Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
If an airliner’s black box flight recorder is able to be recovered intact after a crash, why don’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
Someone broke into the kennels at the police station and set all the dogs free. Police say they have several leads.