Mad dogs and Englishmen

In the glory days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and calling for a brace of snorts in the mess, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet the Adjutant, Major Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive hunchbacked, bowlegged man less than a metre tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell the new colonel about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…”

Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Adj, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor his wife looked like the back end of a baboon.”